Sunday, August 28, 2016


I've been forgetting way too quickly and easily. Too many distractions and deadlines. I was ordered to do my share of work, but when I try, it just seems like reinventing the wheel. There is obviously no place for me here. It's awful how I'm condemned just because I'm placing a greater emphasis on my studies and teaching duties. I'm not just carrying myself, my other duties are terribly all team projects. Subjecting me to 4 to 5 hours of sleep everyday is wearing me and my memory down. And whenever I could make that little time out to plug holes, the holes were plugged unbeknownst to me no matter how I searched and I always have to find out the hard way I've been slapping mud over nothing. The stronger my desire to leave.

Thursday, July 07, 2016


Good evening. It's been months since I've updated this place. And when I'm back, it's always tears and sorrows... coupled with helpless frustration and rage. Today was the final blow. I have to come back here to tell you my tale before I go mad. Writing is my coping mechanism.

For the past 2 weeks, I was relieved of any urgent duties in my internship, so I conducted my self-study sessions. It was enriching as well - I would not have caught up with my online courses, read up about some modules, or solve some programming problems otherwise. Looking back in retrospect, I felt like I was in a whirlwind tour of the outside world before these 2 weeks. I hope to be able to get back to business again after tomorrow's meeting.

It is as such that I had slightly more freedom with my time, and I was still fresh from the memory of defeat in the latest competition. I told myself, I have to work harder to become a student leader, especially since I still have some time to spare.

I became really active in the online discussion channels. I spoke to some of my team mates personally to find out about their difficulties. I thought of ways for them to resolve matters swiftly.

I have no idea what got into them (different "them") today, but they were retaliating against my questions and remarks with so much poison, I cannot even recognize them anymore. Their tone and words were at best cold and at worst offensive, as if they were out to take it all out on me. Furthermore, it was in a public channel. I cannot help but feel that it was not very sensible on their part. I was tempted to say something that will ease the atmosphere, but I guess I would have been yet again be taken as a joke.

So I did my very best to control myself, except forgetting the politically correct apology. Something along the lines of "Okay, noted. Thanks."

And then in the private channel, they attempted to revert to their "friendly" tone. But, really, after all that shaming done to me? I was livid. And then I was utterly crestfallen and disappointed. I had to cry for myself. The tears wash my eyes and I became less blind.

To add fuel to fire, they dangled a praise or two at me, followed by critiques that are not even relevant to the current context. I felt attacked. They just want me to grovel to them. And I was already so drowned in sorrowed, I just gave up and give them the apologies they do not deserve.

They were claiming how they know the rules in society, but they fail to communicate to me. When I recall those dreadful words from their venomous lips, it only seemed to me like a person who woke up on the wrong side of the bed and verbally abusing whoever available.

You may say that I also need to be a person who can communicate to people. But was I that rude and uncouth? As someone who knows better, you could have continued to retain your mask while getting your message across. It does not have to be in the form of full-stops and capital letters like how wretched your future will be.

The other person had a busy schedule today, and probably had a stressful day. Suddenly, that person began to spam a load of bull. The part which disgusts me the most was the declaration of dictatorship. Am I even your partner if you do not even seek to understand my perspective? You have no time, but that does not mean you can use this as an excuse to crush my stand. I am truly unable to see this as anything else other than unprofessional.

We are not running a caste system here, especially so among the people in the private channel. Equal in name but not in action. I cannot feel any more humiliated beyond this.

I have once requested to withdraw some time ago. That was because I felt like I did not make any difference. Fast-forward by one month, all has stayed the same. Such a lie.

I will fulfill my contract and stay out of your sight for ever.